I thought that it might be helpful to describe in cursory fashion my own hypothesis concerning the origins of my present condition.
I was born in Joliet, IL in April, 1953. After a short time of being at home as a formula fed baby in my mother's care, I began to fall ill, weak and listless. As my mother's concerns grew, her mind was made up to contact the doctor when I failed to stir from a near unconscious state as she bathed me, and she clapped her hands, hoping to elicit a startle response.
When the doctor arrived at our house (yes, Virginia, they made house calls back then), after brief examination he told my mother that I must be rushed to the hospital if I were to be saved. He and my mother rode with me in his car, and I presented at the hospital in a severe, critical state. It was later determined that I was having an allergic reaction to the formula that I was being fed. My state was so dire that the Catholic last rites were administered to me.
I was observed and cared for almost 24/7 by a nun who my mother remembers as angelic, and credits with saving my life. Only after recuperating for weeks in the hospital, did I regain sufficient strength to return home to my mother.
My entire life experience and memory has been that I have perceived a terrible, shameful void inside of me; I have felt shame that I have felt so alienated from myself by a great deal of anxiety. My own belief is that this early experience had by a preverbal mind, of proximity to death and separation from mother, was the first of possibly many experiences which caused a lifelong problem with my emotional functioning. It has resulted in divorce, failed relationships, a tragically curtailed formal education and much personal unhappiness.
This blog is coming about because a recent experience has provided the critical mass to convince me that I will only get different results if I dramatically change.
I am of the belief that I can sit and pay attention to me. I can stop using my personality as an agent of escape from self and deception to others. I can start using my personality as a willing and humble student of learning the topic of me.
If I can begin to experience an ability to survive my way through my own anxiety, and become convinced that the same anxiety won't kill me, I think that I will have planted a new, fresh, powerful awareness inside, that I can turn to for insight, and more effective personal/emotional skills, behaviors and perceptions.
I think that the mythological allegory of depotentiating the dragon speaks eloquently to my own anxieties. It points the way. But I have known such facts for literally decades. What is required of me is to sit in class and read from the book of my own unfiltered being.
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4 comments:
Forgive me for my inability to decipher this, but I'm unclear on how the near-death experience you had as a baby led to your current path of self-reflection. Can you please dumb it down for me so I can follow the mission of your blog?
Thanks, XSarenkaX, for your question. My answer is that I really don't know. I have thought of the near-death experience as a possibly useful hypothesis, but there may be no way for me to determine whether it is an accurate explanation or not.
My current path of self-reflection has much to do with my great difficulty in being alone, and not in a relationship. It also has to do with my dependant personality, and how I often choose people to be in a relationship with who lack compassion, are dishonest, or otherwise inflict great emotional pain on my vulnerable and not very well protected self-esteem. Finally, it has to do with my low level of skill in coping with a break-up. Because these are such core emotional skills, I have often wondered how I may have not developed them. Thus, my near-death experience has long intrigued me. But it may also be an explanation which inflicts further harm, i. e. causing me to buy into a notion that I am flawed, and broken. I think the most valuable thing for me is to recover, whether I ever truly understand why this emotionally, painful circumstance has enveloped me so thoroughly and for so long.
Thank you for clarifying. I hate to see someone beat himself up for being a bit needier than average. I hope you can empower yourself by knowing that you don't have to measure up to anyone else. Whatever you are is right! Everyone is unique. Of course, if there is something you don't like about yourself, my hope is that you can find a way to either like it, or change it to your liking. Best of luck!
Thanks for your very kind-hearted response.
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