The breath, the struggle, the journey

The development which occasioned the return of mine to blogger was the failure of my first mini-relationship of my post-Elaine life. That relationship was with Lisa, and she left me. Thankfully, I am arriving at the place where not much else needs to be said about that.
I went out with Mary last night; I had chosen her more because of her attraction to me than because of an attraction on my part to her. The initial, premature passion of our first meeting had subsided quite a bit as of last night. She might call me and invite me to bring my dog and join her for a walk this afternoon.
I did find my own private moments of humor regarding Mary's outlooks and attitudes. Her statement that she has made it a rule to not date blue collar men was an interesting admission of some elitism. And her struggle with believing that I am as well off financially as I say that I am was, again, funny. I even offered to open up my filing cabinet, when she (if she) visits my downscale place to show her statements and account numbers of every financial holding that I possess.
It is so interesting how simple-minded most people are when it comes to their view and understanding of money. Plain and simple, it is this: if you have a physical asset, whether it is home, car or boat they are impressed, and it doesn't matter how much you are in hock to the bank, as long as you are making the payments. If you own financial assets which people can't see, such as common stocks, they usually don't understand what you own, doubt that you own it, or are not very impressed with what you do own.
Am I capable of continuing to pursue an association with Mary with this change? More to the point, today would I feel better joining her without needing to express much in the way of physical affection?
Do I even come close to understanding the transactional equation and my part in it, when it comes to physical affection? I don't think that I do, and this alone has caused me great suffering, and rejection in my life.
When sex is closely followed by betrayal, as happened with Lisa and other instances in my past, I begin to wonder whether the sex is doing anything remotely resembling good for me.

I digress here with the observation that self-acceptance is not something which you do, but it is something which gradually happens to you. I don't know much about it other than that it is mysterious, and I believe it has something to do with breathing.
I think that it matters not in life where you start out, but whether you make a journey. I wish that I had made more progress in my life against my old arch-enemy of loneliness. Mr. Loneliness has had way too much power and has exercised it consistently and too my detriment.
Yet, I shouldn't sell myself short. For instance, when I compare my functioning in the face of aloneness now, compared to the few years immediately following my divorce in 1990, there is a stark difference. I cope better now, and I am nearly devoid of any significant financial worry in the present. That alone gives me a huge amount of comfort.
But as I look back I believe that I have made a journey and that I have made progress. I don't think that being married or in a relationship removes the necessity of a continuation of the individual struggle, nor does it remove the possibility of loneliness.
My son pointed out to me that I am quite lucky in my career stability and pay level, and my lack of credentialed education doesn't detract from that advantage that I enjoy.
The biggest problem is and continues to be my difficulty believing that I can stand on my own and be happy and satisfied without a physical/emotional relationship with a woman. That is a battle which I have waged lifelong, and am still fighting.
Another day. Fight on.