Disabused of Self-delusion

Any self-deception that I maintained regarding my most recent relationship was disproved this morning as I read the email sent to me by the party who was leaving me. I was maintaining belief in a self-deceiving lie that this time was different. That I had found a person with motivation of her own to love me in spite of my emotional inabilities.
The tragedy of my life is the toll that my relaionship addiction has taken on me, my children, and my relationship with self. It is the relationship with self that I have to start with. And this will be, admittedly, a start at the most fundamental level.
I will strive to have time devoted to self observation. I think that means that I just am with myself. Sounds easy, but I am a practiced and habitual avoider of that pursuit. My self seems to be obscured by fears of a swallowing darkness which I will not survive and from which I will not emerge. The fear seems to speak a foreboding lie that it will consume me.
Learning textual information about my condition doesn't seem to help me. I think that my experiences have demonstrated that force of will doesn't do the job either. It must be the case that only as the futility of my experiences totally convince me of the only alternative course which promises a chance at a different outcome, do I summon up the courage and conviction to try to face my demons. And prove them assailable.